During this period of physical distancing, socializing has moved to virtual gatherings. We are lucky to have this outlet to overcome the inevitable loneliness we are all experiencing. But it’s not the same. Phone calls help too, but again, not the same as being in the physical presence of those who are our friends, who understand us, accept us, know us deeply and respond to what we need and offer so many other kindnesses.
Everyone can be with their very best friend – every minute of every day regardless of the social requirements of this pandemic. The questions are “ARE you with your best friend? Are you best friends with yourself?” According to Dr. Kristin Neff, the researcher from the University of Texas in Austin, at least 78% of us are not our own best friends. We tend to treat ourselves poorly which is a big tragedy, especially now without the physical presence of many others in our lives.
I once had a rather vicious inner-critic that didn’t think I did anything really well; in fact ‘he’ thought I did most things very poorly and told me so. It’s painfully difficult to live with an enemy instead of a friend. In 2014 I took the Mindful Self-Compassion course with Dr. Neff and Dr. Christopher Germer, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School. Six years later, my inner-critic rarely shows up. Self-compassion is simply accepting that 1) we are all human, which means we make mistakes, 2) we have good intentions even when we hurt others or fail, and 3) we need and deserve kindness in moments of pain, disappointment, illness, loss and being isolated from others.
Self-compassion practice is simple.
Step 1: Notice how you’re doing in the moment.
Step 2: If you notice emotional, physical, spiritual or mental pain or suffering, remind yourself that every human life involves pain and suffering. So, you are not singled out for pain; it’s just here with you now.
Step 3: Ask yourself, “What do I need?” Soothing words perhaps? A soothing touch like giving yourself a hug? Once you discover what you need, be kind to yourself and do that kindness.
I like to write phrases to use every day that meet strong needs that have existed within me for much of my life. One such phrase “May I know I have value” has been transformative. My mind has always known that every person has value because they are part of the human race. My heart, however ,hasn’t always been sure. Now I treat myself with compassion when I feel sad reading about the world’s pain, or when I get impatient with my elderly dog who takes forever getting from the den to his crate. When I worry about finances, I can think in terms of solutions.
If you are not living with your best friend, I hope you will consider cultivating the most important friendship you’ll ever have into one of support, kindness, and understanding.
